I very rarely get jealous. When I do, it\u2019s not for reasons that most of America gets jealous. I\u2019ve watched my wife with her first bull. Sexually. And flirting, conversation, these personal intimate moments that would drive most people crazy. But for me there\u2019s very little.<\/p>\n
When we first started swinging, the first time I saw her with someone else, it struck me how not jealous I was. That concerned me for a tic. Why aren\u2019t I jealous? What\u2019s wrong with this situation? (Luckily I didn\u2019t dwell on this long, as a certain beautiful curly haired girl was vying for my attention\u2026) It came back to me later, as I sat in the aftermath, thinking about the evening, our first evening in a brave new world. This question, why wasn\u2019t I jealous, and what did that mean?<\/p>\n
Why does it have to mean anything? My lack of jealousy was not a commentary on my relationship and the quality inherent (or lack thereof) in it. It just was. Then, a month after we joined the interracial lifestyle full fledged, at a party, Marilyn got all sorts of attention and I got none. The jealousy came in waves. Sweet blind rage jealousy. The \u201cget your stuff, we\u2019re leaving\u201d kind. The silent treatment in the car kind. Oh yes, jealousy, there you were. I wasn\u2019t broken. I did have feelings, I did care, clearly. But, aha, this jealousy wasn\u2019t about that, it was petty, childish\u2026this was because Cooper didn\u2019t have fun, and Marilyn did.<\/p>\n
So I thought about that a good deal. What she did. Who she was with. Neither of these things bothered me. In the least. So this was the night I began to realize how high my trust level with her was. I began to realize that trust is like an antidote. Trust and confidence. As I began to become more confident in myself, my sexual abilities, my emotional availability. I began to be less and less concerned about these things that might \u201cmake one jealous.\u201d<\/p>\n
Since then, I really haven\u2019t felt it. The jealousy. An occasional pang here and there perhaps. Marilyn and I do things that many swingers don\u2019t, as well. We\u2019ve gone on separate dates with her bull. We have no issue with separate rooms. We have a comfort level that I still marvel at and am impressed with myself. This isn\u2019t about bragging here, it\u2019s because I really have come to believe that jealousy can be moderated, muted. It\u2019s not about repression either.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not suggesting that if you feel jealous you should bury that deep down inside, or grin and bare it. That would be like packing down the black powder. It may be more compact and less noticeable, but eventually that spark\u2019s gonna set it off. (May not be a thing\u2026don\u2019t know anything about black powder \u2018cept what they\u2019ve done on Mythbusters.) What I think you can do, though, is when feeling that pang of jealousy, recognize that\u2019s what it is. Once you do that, you can analyze it. That\u2019s the hard part, of course. Pulling the handbrake on that surge of emotion and saying \u201cwhat the fuck?\u201d But that\u2019s where it really is. It\u2019s the exercise burn. You gotta get there to move beyond.<\/p>\n
Because once it\u2019s recognized, and you look deep down at it\u2026well, I realized it was just leftover from high school and being left out. And that\u2019s silly, isn\u2019t it? I mean it\u2019s a real emotion, and it\u2019s something I felt, but I didn\u2019t have to allow it. I didn\u2019t have to go with it. At the last minute, instead, I made a sharp left turn and used that moment as a springboard for a discussion of our rules as a couple, something that was patently necessary. But the best thing about this recognition moment, is that you can decide what to do with it.<\/p>\n
The less oxygen it gets, the smaller and smaller it gets, until it\u2019s nothing more than a wick. And unlike those other emotions we\u2019ve been taught to repress, killing the spark of jealousy won\u2019t make us dead inside. No, jealousy only becomes the beginning of the problem, or the catalyst, or the deciding factor in an issue that you clearly should sit and think on a bit, wait for calmer heads to prevail.<\/p>\n
\u2018Cuz maybe, just maybe, it isn\u2019t as bad as you thought. Maybe you were just being silly. Maybe, after all, you trust your partner completely. That she won\u2019t run off with that guy she was flirting with at the bar, that she won\u2019t suddenly feel that sex with you isn\u2019t as good as sex with others. It\u2019s trust, it\u2019s confidence\u2026it\u2019s the road to compassion.<\/p>\n
Cooper<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I very rarely get jealous. When I do, it\u2019s not for reasons that most of America gets jealous. I\u2019ve watched my wife with her first bull. Sexually. And flirting, conversation, these personal intimate moments that would drive most people crazy. [...]","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4660,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[21],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n